Selfish or selfless?

Too often we neglect ourselves, putting the needs, desires, comforts, of our partners ahead of our own. We think that by doing this we are taking care of them, that if we took care of ourselves first that we would be behaving selfishly.
I call shenanigans.
This is one of the root problems of many relationship issues. There are several issues that this kind of self sacrifice can be the root of; feelings of jealously, passive aggressive behavior, feelings of neglect or being taken advantage of, not feeling that your sacrifice is appreciated or recognized, and eventually becomes the proverbial Straw, and a there is a fight or emotional blow up of pent up frustration, fears, and all the things left unsaid or undone during this time of self sacrifice.
Taking care of and communicating your personal needs and desires to your partners is not selfish, it is selfless. I'm not talking on the level of diamond rings or weekly pedicures. I'm talking taking care of yourself on a deeper level. Letting your partner know when you are not OK with something that is happening, that you are not feeling well today, that you need a little extra sleep, that you could use a hug, whatever the issue is, express it in a respectful loving way.
How is this selfless, being honest with your partner frees them from wondering if you mean it. "Can I really go out tonight, with out worrying about later repercussions?" "Does my partner really mind that I asked him/her to do my chore for me?" "Can I really bring my date home later without fear of awkwardness or later negative repercussions?" You or your partner may be asking yourselves these questions on a regular basis, because, many human beings, some more than others, can read other's behaviors, body language, and demeanor; so when my words say "Of course honey", and my body says "stompy, stomp, slam, slam" it creates a level of mistrust that is uncomfortable for the person who the sacrifices are being made for, as well as a level of discomfort for the sacrifice-r.
Reactions are not always as overt as stomping or slamming, sometimes it's a subtle sadness, an underlying stress, even physical illness. These can all manifest as mistrust, tension, and general feelings of discomfort in the relationship for both, or all, partners.
Taking the time and effort to communicate your needs, desires, fears, worries, wiriness, and boundaries with your partners opens up a dialog that can lead to everyone's needs being addressed and even met. As the poet says "You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometime, you just might find, you get what you need.

An Intro

Every relationship is as different as the individuals involved in them. Throw a few extra individuals into the mix and shenanigans are likely to ensue. This blog's purpose is to help people's shenanigans to be more of the; 1) Silly or high-spirited behavior; mischief, variety and less of the; 2) Secret or dishonest activity or maneuvering.

I will be posting on topics that I have particular insight into, with my 12 years in a poly triad, and experiences with polyamory before and since my current marriage began.

I will also post Q&A, so if you have any questions pertinent to polyamory, please send them to jaynesayz@thebennettclan.org